Originally published in the February 1988 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
From time to time along with the latest notices from the bill collector, your humble reporter receives friendly holiday-season mail from some of the staunchest fans of Q. R. Zedd, A5A, world’s greatest DXer and all-around good fellow.
Mail is always welcome. During part of 1987, for example (if you will pardon the personal note!), I babysat my daughter’s cocketiel. I found that all those sheets of paper came in real handy, and let me use my copies of The Norman Transcript for what they are obviously most useful for these days, wrapping coffee grounds.
Anyway, as all of you know, Zedd is the only amateur radio operator who has worked all stations on all bends, from all countries and a lot of places nobody else ever even heard of. His radio feats are surpassed only by his handsomeness, intellectual brilliance in other fields, and constant humility.
As Zedd is fond of telling the boys at the club, “Boys, for someone as great as me to be this humble is a truly great achievement.”
Anyway, we have a few letters that warmed our hearts, and we want to publish them right away so we can mail the originals off to our daughter for her cockatiel cage. So here there are:
Box 88, Moscow, USSR
TO YOU IDIOT KU5B:
You swine disgusting capitalist lackey pig, I spit on your face.
When you ever going tell world TRUTH about who is greatest DXer? Year after year, you say Zepp Zapp, whatever his puke name, is more better than I, Boris Badenov, ace of great world Russian radio sportsmen, winner every contest held in Minsk last 16 years, holder of WAU (Worked All Ukraine (both stations!)) and charter member of both Yoder Kritch and Florida Cypress?
Put that in pipe and drink, hah?
Zedd has no right being listed same universe as I, Badenov. I beat his in any fair contest refereed by Red Army in CW, phone, RTTY, ATV, FM, AM, PM Magazine, AMTOR or Packet radio!
You are liar, fascist pawn, pig, fool, QRM on bands and never even renewed your Ten-10 number! Ptooey on you!
Belated best wishes for happy holidays and spirit of brotherly love between our great nations!
Boris
PS: Natasha says send home address WB5RZX.
Seattle, Wash.
Dear KU5B
It has been a long time now since you first reported a confrontation between as and that hayseed that lives down there just a hoot end a holler south of your town. I just thought I would let you know what has happened alone then.
I am still running the Blast Off DX Net every day and making it possible for lesser mortals to get some DX. I have now worked a lot more stations than Zedd. My wife is prettier and more nubile. I have Homered 232 new hams in the past 12 months while Zedd was still trying to teach Homer Klott ANYTHING.
I am a humble person but I
want you to understand that I
am the best, I feel sure, and I
know everyone will agree when I
say that despite my humility, I
deserve more credit, but then I
never blow my own horn, wince I
never boast and, being modest, I
try not to think about how I
always have been mistreated.
— Bill Blast
Ashtabula, Ohio
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
Take that stupid KU5B stuff about Zedd out of your magazine. He stinks. So does Zedd. Even Cappy Sator of Texas is better than him.
I am too modest to tell you how much better I am than him.
Please find enclosed one (1) carton of recent clippings about me. You can print these if you want.
— Bill Buckeye
Laguna, Calif.
Dear Editor:
As the world’s greatest DXer and electronic genius, I am willing to tell my story to your publication.
This will let you stop running that stuff about A5A, who may have the government and a few morons fooled, but none of us real people.
Since I know you are thrilled I am giving you this break, please reply as soon as the tears have dried from your eyes and you can see again, and let me know how much you are willing to bid for the rights to this great story about me.
Floor bids are set at $100,000.
Your friend,
— Legendary Surf
Crocodile Pits, Fla.
DERE IDIOTUR!
YOU FOOL! YOU JACKASS! YOU MORONIC FAILURE OF A CLOWN! HOW DO YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS STUFF? Q. R. ZEDD CAN’T HOLD A CANDLE TO RACOON SMITH, OF RIGHT HERE IN CP, FLA. YOU THINKING ZEDD IS THE BEST IS AS DUMB AS THINKING ANYBODY CAN RUN UP A SCORE ON AN OPPONENT AS GOOD AS JIMMY JOHNSON. AND HIS HAIR IS THE PRETTIEST TOO.
73,
B.J. Puckett
Normal Okla
Deer KU5B
Now are yu fine I hope.
Happy New Yeer old bud and 88s. I hope yu know how much i appreshiate it how you have made me famose. I will never let yu or Q. down, I promise.
This is the yeer I am going to do it, get ny extry class lisense. I have got T and E and 14 and 0 down rill good now and have been pracktising extry on my Y. And now I know Home’s Law great, both the director and reflector part.
Thanks again and 10-4, I am coming to your house one night rill soon.
— Homer Klott
NOTE: There were more letters than this, but I had to change my cat’s litterbox and move to a new, unlisted address.
Thanks again, fans, and keep those cards and letters coming.
— KU5B