Originally published in the April 1988 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
These rumors you heard — the ones saying Q. R. Zedd was retiring from amateur radio – were false.
They were either an April Fool’s joke (probably perpetrated by Homer Klott, who really likes April Fool’s Day since he’s the biggest fool of them all), or else they were the latest in a long line of duty tricks pulled by Boris Badenov, Soviet DXer who has never learned to live with the fact that he’s No. 2, at best, behind our own greatest DXer of them all.
No, I’m happy to report, fans, that A5A is not only committed to amateur radio as always, but recently finished total re-installation of his antenna farm at Honor Roll Ranch, just a hoot and a holler south of town.
Zedd, you’ll remember, lost a couple of tons of sky aluminum early in January when ice and snow storms rolled through the area. But within two hours he was operating split on a wet noodle, and the next day he had his bride, the blond, nubile, captivating Tondolayo, atop a 3,000-foot tower installing a new multi-bander.
Tondolayo worked day and night, and so did a special crew of steeplejacks the great man brought in from the state of New York. We are thrilled to report that the ranch was fully operational again by February 1, and the sleet and ice of later that month did nothing to harm Zedd’s new antenna farm.
Patent restrictions and official U.S. government secrecy laws prevent a detailed discussion of the new antennas, all of Zedd’s original design. We can reveal, however, that most have a gain of at least 66 dbd, with a front-to-back you wouldn’t believe.
Want an example? We are allowed to reveal that, running a kilowatt, Zedd aimed one of the new antennas at a certain neighborhood in Perth, where some friends of his had reported they were without power due to failure to pay the light bill. Zedd helped that family have breakfast by beaming in his rf and toasting bread for their morning meal.
“GREAT TOAST ES MANY TNKS,” his Perth pal radioed via CW, using a battery-powered rig.
Zedd nodded satisfaction, then hammered back at 82 WPM:
“QSL BUT NEED BETTER SIG REPORT SO CAN ADJUST ANT…. DID BREAD TOAST EVENLY OR DID CRUST GET TOO DARK? K.”
It was even all the way across.
“I think,” the great man told us, “I am back in business except for my longwire.”
We hadn’t thought of the longwire antenna. We asked how badly it had been damaged.
“I had just extended the north leg from Woodward on to Liberal, Kan.,” Zedd told us. “That end, being so new and all, held up fine business. But the leg from Oklahoma City to Denton, Texas, took a hell of a beating. I lost the whole Arbuckle Mountain section.”
Zedd appeared momentarily disconsolate. “That’s my best receiving antenna. But it is really messed up right now. I heard a feller in Rangoon tuning his quartz watch last night, and with the longwire messed up I couldn’t even read him solid.
Zedd fans can take heart, however. Even as we spoke with the man who is inspiration to us all, a red van and two trucks roared out of the barns and headed south out of the ranch. As we watched, a window of the van rolled down and long blond hair streamed out into the cold wind, along with a pale and beautiful female arm, which waved farewell.
Tonedelayo was on her way to work on the long-wire.
“I would go along and give orders,” Zedd told us. But I have to get back inside the ranch house and continue work on planning the new DXpedition.”
“DXpedition?” we cried. “New DXpedition? When? Where? Tell us everything! Can I use your phone to call Joe Harding? Egad! I’ve always wanted to yell to an editor to stop the presses and rip out the front page!
Zedd sighed and handed out towels so everyone present could wipe the excited slobbers off their face. “I’ll tell you boys about it,” he said sternly, “but everything ain’t worked out, so you can’t say anything about it until late April…maybe early May.”
Everyone agreed. We trooped into the ranch house. There Zedd told us his plans.
Unfortunately, this news – as absolutely fantastic, mind-boggling and incredibly wonderful as it is – is embargoed until the next issue. Stay tuned.
— KU5B