Originally published in the July 1988 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
(Special to C&E)
NORTH POLE — (Second of 2 reports) Q. R. Zedd, MA, made history here recently with his epic North Pole DXpedition.
Zedd, whose home is at Honor Roll Ranch, just a hoot and a holler south of town, is the world’s greatest DXer a’ title he cemented forever with his exploits at this frigid outpost beyond the ken of civilization.
Zedd was accompanied on his trip by his bride, the blond, nubile Tondelayo; his son Zepp, age 1; Momma Zedd of Mena, Ark.; nerdly Homer Klott, and a reporter from Collector & Emitter.
In our last report we told how Zedd outsmarted a Russian team led by Boris Badenov, Soviet DXer, to find the pole. The remainder of the story follows:
2030Z — Zedd, Momma and Tondelayo have now been operating more than one hour. Zedd has racked up 13K QSOs, Momma 11K and Tondelayo 10.5K.
Homer Klott is still screaming, but more faintly, in the latrine pit.
“QRZ?” says Zedd, thumbing his mike as he logs the last 15 contacts.
A voice booms over the pileup:
“Zapp, you capitalist swine! We made one little mistake and you take advantage of it you don’t play fair you pig! Us great Russian radio sportsmen demand you get out of North Pole camp, let us good guys operate there!”
“QSY, Badenov,” Zedd says. “You bore me.”
A shrill female voice comes back:
“Ziff, this is Natasha, and you don’t get out of North Pole, I will stick you with my knife! You are oink! You never even send me home address that cute hunk, WB5RZX!”
Zedd had been listening to the signals down under. “I QSL the 5 and 9 from W5MCN, W5OU, KD5IT, W5NUT, WB5RZX and WA5MLT,” he says. “You also are all 5 and 9, QSL?”
“You got that cute WB5RZX on frequency? I want talk to that cute boy! You tell him QSY up five, QSL? Or you get stuck my my knife two times!”
Zedd kept on logging.
2036Z — The rigs all go dead at once. Zedd bounds out of his chair. Runs outside. Homer has finally gotten out of the pit and fallen over the power cords running from the generator. He has unplugged everything.
2038Z — Power is on again. Homer has been thrown back into the latrine pit.
2325Z — The QSO total is now over 35K. Young Zepp has been given a turn at the keyer on 75 meter CW, and he sends pretty nicely, but his handwriting in the logbook is atrocious. Tondelayo takes over from him. He cries and dirties his pants. They freeze. He will just have to tough it out until morning. This is serious.
1956Z – The sounds of aircraft engines and trucks come distantly across the ice floes. The C&E reporter runs outside and verifies that the Soviet DXpedition is de-camping and heading back toward Siberia. There is some final language from Boris Badenov that should not be allowed on the airwaves.
“Sounds as bad as a Clipperton pileup,” Zedd notes.
0230Z — Homer gets out of the latrine pit again. He comes into the tent. He looks real blue.
“I wanna talk,” he whimpers.
Zedd pauses, thinking about it. “Maybe,” he decides grimly, “it will make a man out of you.”
He hands Homer the mike. “You remember your radio manners and lingo?” Zedd asks.
“Ten four!” Homer cries.
Zedd gets out a snowball to use as a handwarmer and lets Homer have at it.
Homer keys the mike.
“Hey, good buddies, you got the Big Red Road Runner here, how copy, come on back?”
Zedd whops Homer up alongside of the head with the snowball and takes over again.
1600Z — It is nearing the time when this historic DXpedition must close its 24-hour run. The temperature inside the tent is minus 74 degrees. Breath has frozen into a sheet-ice layer four inches thick inside the nylon walls. We are almost out of gas. Homer has stopped crying from the latrine pit. Young Zepps’s pants are so stiff he can’t kick. Momma, Tondelayo and the C&E reporter are exhausted and near death from the cold.
Zedd, now on CW, presses on, making about 65 contacts a minute with each hand.
It is dark and cold at the pole.
But all of us bask in the radiance of the great one’s greatness.
1704Z — A5A goes QRT.
1705Z — We take one more contact. It is the president, from the White House. The President weeps out of pride to be an American, like Zedd. He asks Zedd to come to Washington and teach him how to become an amateur radio operator.
Zedd is gracious, naturally.
1735Z – Camp is struck. We fly out of there.
1744Z — “Good grief!” cries Tondelayo.
“What?” we all chorus, still doing the Hardy Boys number.
“We forgot Homer!”
A vote is scheduled on whether to go back and get him.
We decide to vote tomorrow.
We wing on southward toward distant Calgary. Behind us, it sounds like our camp is still on the air. It has been so cold that some of our signal reports are just thawing out enough to get transmitted out of the immediate area of the antenna.
“Wonderman,” Tondelayo tells Zedd, revealing a new (and accurate) pet name for him, “you should write up this phenomenon for QST!”
The great one says he’ll think about it. We are silently respectful.
— KU5B