Originally published in the May 1982 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
Open Letter to KU5B:
Dear KU5B,
Boy, you sure got a good callsign for what you are full of, buddy, and I do mean the B. It is just like my pal Cappy Satyr said, there is no one who can match up with Texas’ pride, the magnificent Dingfod Armstrong, and your Q.R. Zedd is just so much dogfood as far as we are concerned.
What makes you think Zedd is so hot anyhow? If you got nothing better to do than write about turkeys like him, you ought to turn in your goose because you ain’t going to need no more quills. You are an idiot and a nerd.
73,
R.E. Sistor, Dallas
P.S.: And you know what I meant when I said that about your call. The B should stand for Balderdash!
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
If you were not an idiot you would know the world’s best DXer is Bill Buckeye of Columbus, Ohio, which is also the home of the world’s greatest football coach, Wayne Woodrow (Woody) Hayes.
Yours truly,
Areff Coil, Dayton
LETTER TO THE EDITOR:
You guys in the 5 call area can squabble all you want, but everybody knows that we have the real champion Dxer here in 6-land. I speak, of course, of Hiram Tikitoki, Hawaiian-born greatest of the greats who, at the tender age of 21, has already worked 400 countries above 1296 GHz and lost all count of countries worked in various modes below the microwave region after he passed the 1,000 mark,
Hiram never boasts, so not a lot of people know about his exploits. However, I will tell you that he speaks 13 languages, can copy code above 100 WPM, invented the LED, the yellow-handled screwdriver and the martini, and is the only amateur radio operator ever allowed to operate from Lenin’s tomb in the Kremlin.
He can put your Zedd in the shade on any band, any mode, any time, any way, in daylight and in dark, standing on his head or asleep at the switch, under water or on the side of a volcano, from aeronautical mobile or his own shack, or any other way your Zedd might choose to operate. Hiram will take out both Zedd AND Armstrong with one Hawaiian punch.
I know you will not have the nerve to print this, but I am used to that kind of thing. By refusing to let the true facts about DX and DXers come to light, you are only showing the kind of person you really are, and I am too much of a gentleman to say what that is, You are really a rotten person. Your friend,
Yagi B. Quad,
Fresno
TO THE EDITOR: …Calvin Cornpoe of Atlanta, who has worked all stations on all bands and also invented the Confederate flag…, Tom T. Tower, Atlanta
Dear KU5B, you TURKEY! The greatest DXer lives right here in New York City and his name is Milton Mac, The Big Mac was named after him after he worked 5BDXCC in three hours one weekend while loading his Swan 350 into the cord of an old Olympia record player. Please excuse the crayola. They will not let me have anything sharp here, Fraternally Yours, Liddy G. Gordon PS: I hate your guts. Come around here and I will hold your hand in a candle for a long time.
Dere Idiotur,
You proly thank you are reel smart with your stuff in there alla time on K.R. Zeff as wrote up by that fool KB5V. I just wan you to now that not all of us are amused. I showed one of your last ishews to my high school anglish class I tich reglar here in Newington an they said same as me it ain’t funny or nothing so why do they print it I don’t know I told them. Besides which everybody knows your man Zipp has never been approved by the ARRL so how could he amount to a hillybeens? An on top of that is, the greatest DXer is Hiram Percy Dunce of right here in Conn., he has worked quite a few countries on 75. I guess this will put you in your place where you belong which is more than you can say for everybody, so ha-ha!
Seventy thirds,
I.G. Rural,
Newington, Conn.
Dear Jack,
I have followed some of the correspondence in the C&E about Zedd. One or two of your correspondents even chose to drop my name into the controversy. As the truly greatest, I feel compelled to make a modest proposal. Why not have an amateur radio Olympics?
What I mean is, you can invite all the pretenders to the throne of greatness in DXing, and have a radio tournament, some weekend. Or heck, if you want to, you could spread it over a week or more. You can set up categories like most countries worked most bands/modes/etc.; QRP; with a dummy load antenna; SSB; CW; RTTY; SSTV, and so on. You can have a CW sending and receiving contest, a competition of pulling ’em out of the QRM, a special category for name-calling nastiness out of the band, etc., etc. Let everybody who thinks he is so great come and take part. Award points for first, second and third in each category. At the end of the tourney, add ’em all up, and winner takes all.
Of course I don’t really think many of these big-mouths will accept such an invite. None of ’em has got a gut in his body long enough to string a football with.
Good DX,
Bill Blast