Originally published in the April 1987 Collector & Emitter.
It has been three months now since Q. R. Zedd, A5A, world’s greatest DXer and all-around great person, began on his greatest challenge — trying to elmer one Homer Klott to a has ticket.
We are happy to report that Homer is making real progress now. Examples:
He has stopped putting bobby pins into power sockets.
He now clearly understands and can explain the difference between resistance and voltage.
Only days ago, he copied his first very own practice CW QS0.
Problems do remain.
Homer still unscrews light bulbs and sticks his finger in there.
He thinks a capacitor is something like a meter maid.
His CW is still a little slow. To send him a long letter like a Q or a Z at a speed he can copy takes about an hour and a half. The first practice QSO sent to him read “This is a test. QSL?” To send it at his copying speed required four days.
Homer thinks he is doing fine, and plans to go straight for the Extra his first time out with the examiners.
On hearing that, we drove out to Honor Roll Ranch, just a hoot and a holler south of town, where we found the great Zedd sitting in a rocker on the front porch, reading a book on abnormal psychology.
Zedd looked bad. He has lost about 15 pounds, and there is a lot more gray in his hair these days, thanks to Homer.
“There has got to be a way to make his mind work,” Zedd said grimly. “Maybe it is in this book.”
We told Zedd that Homer was telling the boys he planned to go straight for the Extra Class ticket.
Zedd bolted into the ranch house, and retching sounds came out.
Soon he was back, pale and shaky.
“You don’t think Homer can pass the Extra exam?” we asked.
“I ain’t sure he could pass an EEG,” Zedd told us. His face worked under obvious emotional stress. “Would you like to hear some of the answers he gave on the practice test I gave him last week?”
We were thrilled.
Zedd pulled out a paper, composed himself, and began his report.
“I asked him to define ‘control operator.’ He said that is somebody that stays in control and never loses his temper.
“Malicious interference. He said that is in football, when the lineback knocks the wide end down before the ball gets there.”
The tic was back in Zedd’s cheek. But he gamely pressed on.
“I asked him about MUF. He said that’s what a lady puts her hands in in the winter, to keep them warm. Or it can also be your basic play made by a Red Sox infielder in the late innings of a tie game.
“Ground. That is a ball not hit in the air. The kind the Boston infielder MUFs.
“Antenna. He says that’s a problem you get on a picnic sometimes. Like ‘Hey, Mom, I think there’s an antenna cookies.”
“I asked him to give me a frequency he might use as a novice operator, and he said every night.
“Trying to make it encouraging for him, I put in some questions about your standard phonetic alphabet. I asked him the phonetic for the letter C. He said cat. I asked about D. He said dog. You know what he said when I got to G? He said jiminey crickets.”
Zedd paused and rubbed his hands across his eyes. There was a tremor in his hands.
“I’ll give you just a couple of more. A-1. That’s what you used to be if you were healthy and got notified by the draft board. A-3. That’s bad eyesight but you still might go.
“Do you want to know what Homer thinks a feedline is? That’s what forms in the cafeteria during rush hour.
“Or here’s a good one. You’ll like this. RST stands for a rural street. If you move from a rural street to a city street, and you take your station with you, you’ve got to notify the FAA on a FAA Form 599.
“What are the logging requirements for today’s amateur radio operator? He says if you log, be sure you know all about chainsaw safety first.”
Zedd threw up his hands. “I gave him a code practice kit to put together. He put all the pieces in with a glue gun. I showed him how to solder. He wrecked my best Unger iron, trying to use it to cook suzy-Q frenchfries. I told him about DX. He said that was good, but he preferred Shamrock or Shell. I gave him a dang good KWM2, with the transmit tubes removed, to listen to. He brought it right back; he said the picture tube was too small and hurt his eyes, and it wouldn’t pick up Wheel of Fortune anyhow.
“When I tried to talk to him about public service, he said he was interested in that. He said on his scanner he often heard the dispatcher tell a police officer out in the field somewhere to public service his wife.
“Would you like to hear just one more? Aw right, Let me look, here.”
Zedd scanned Homer’s practice test papers and found one more.
“Listen,” he said, the tic getting worse even as he spoke. RF. That’s what, if a neighbor’s dog does too much of it at night, it’s a nuisance and you need to public service the police.”
We asked Zedd what he planned to do next.
“There’s only one thing to do with a man like this,” the great man said, “and I’ve already done it. I’ve bought him a lifetime subscription to 73.”