Originally published in the December 1987 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
Christmas was celebrated a little early at Honor Roll Ranch this year.
Honor Roll, home of Q.R. Zedd, A5A, world’s greatest DXer and all-around great person, was cloaked in snow for the event. Zedd had most of it flown in from Montana, but some of it was created on the spot by a curious phenomenon in the upper atmosphere that sometimes takes place when Zedd runs the big linear and the electrons act sort of like cloud-seeding devices at high altitude.
What a scene it was There was Tondelayo, blond, nubile, precious bride of the great man, wearing a demure black creation specially crafted for family occasions by Frederick’s of Hollywood, with little Zepp Zedd, her infant son, drooling on her knee and messing around with an electronic keyer.
And there was Momma Zedd, her nose like a cherry from just blasting in from her home in Mena, Ark., on her new, specially supercharged Honda Interceptor. Momma has done her bouffant hair in greenglo for the season, and she looked real nice in her festive orange minidress, with the black fingernails.
Bill Buckeye, ace Ohio DXer and carp farmer from Ashtabula, was, also visiting. Buckeye, 5 feet, 5, and a trim 365 pounds, was wearing his Impeach Earl Bruce sweat shirt and old Rose Bowl cap with his BY QSL card in the sweatband.
And of course your reporter was privileged to be on the scene.
The big Christmas tree in the corner was aglow with flashing red and green diodes, old Ills, and burned-out RG214 for tinsel. The MI; quadraphonic disk system was playing Montovani classics, and the Icom 761 built into the arm of Zedd’s easy chair softly crooned the holiday love and kisses of a pileup for XU.
Zedd himself, the great man, reclined in the easy chair, the smoke of his pipe encircling his head like a wreath and the Coors empties gathering about his feet like buttercups. He wore a royal purple robe and Vietnam jungle boots, and his DXCC badge with his number of confirmed countries — 876 — blinked regularly from the brim of his pith helmet.
It was a wonderful moment, and it brought tears to me eyes.
“Oh, I swan!” quoth Tondelayo. “Isn’t this just the GREATEST, Q.??? To be here with kith and kin, in the bosom of family, oh silent night, oh holy night! Jiminey!”
Zedd whipped off a fast CW contact with the XU station and reached for another Colorado KoolAid. “This is what it’s all about, Tondelayo. Ain’t that right, Momma?”
“Are we going to the SCARS Christmas party?” Momma asked, putting down her nail file. “I want to see what Natasha saw in that fellow… what was his call?.. WB5RZX.”
“We’ll go, never fear,” Zedd told her. “
Momma turned to Bill Buckeye. “Have you finished your Christmas shopping, Bill?”
“Well, no,” Buckeye said. “But there is a lot of time left, I mean, only an IDIOT would be worried about delivering Christmas presents this early, right?”
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, we all sprang to the window to see what was the matter.
When what to our wondering eyes should appear, but our own Homer Klott, with his mouth in high gear.
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! came his hammering at the front door.
“Oh, no,” Tondelayo moaned. “Not tonight! Should we answer?”
“Turn out all the lights,” Zedd suggested.
“Too late,” Buckeye said. “He’s seen us through the window.”
“Burn the house down,” Zedd amended.
“We can’t do that,” Mamma replied. “The ice cream would melt.”
“Where’s my sixshooter?”
Tondelayo sprang to the door and threw it open. “Why, Homer!” she trilled with more insincerity than two sessions at the UN. “How nice to see you! Please come in!”
Homer, staggering under a sack of packages flung over his back, staggered into the middle of the living room and dumped his load. He was wearing his brown macinaw, brown corduroys, brown sweat shirt and brown boots. He was leaving brown footprints.
“Wow!” he gasped. “Shazam! That snow are really slick out there!”
“That,” Zedd told him through gritted teeth, “is not snow you walked through.”
“It ain’t? Golleeee!” Homer brightened. “Hey! brang presents for Christmas!”
“Why, Homer,” Tondelayo cooed, “that’s very sweet of you.”
“Aw,” Homer blushed, “I’m something else. I know that,”
“I wish,” Momma murmured, “we could figure out what it is.”
Homer ignored that. He pulled out his packages. “I got something for everybody! Hey! Momma Zedd! Here’s yours!” And he handed over a package.
For the next few minutes it was a lot of fun. Homer had gotten everyone just what they always wanted and needed:
For Momma — A copy of the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook.
For Tondelayo — A Jane Fonda workout tape.
For Bill Buckeye — An autographed picture of Earl Bruce.
For little Zepp — A bottle of Brut.
For Zedd himself — A copy of Tune in the World, the ARRL’s package for beginners.
And for your reporter — a new Big Chief tablet. Zedd bought Honor a gift certificate for Norman Regional Hospital, for a free EEG, to see if there’s any activity up there.
— KU5B