Originally published in the March 1989 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
Faithful readers (if any) will recall that in last month’s column we began our exclusive, copyrighted report on the latest brave attempt by Q. R. Zedd to get Homer Klott’s brain to work.
Zedd, of course, is A5A, holder of our only 1×1 callsign, the greatest DXer ever, and an inspiration to us all. Homer is the preternaturally stupid nerd whom Zedd has been trying to teach ham radio theory and CW since about the last time a Democrat was president.
As related last month, it was a dark and stormy afternoon at Honor Roll Ranch, just a hoot and a holler south of town. Zedd told the assembled, adoring representatives of the South Canadian Amateur Radio Society that he had a new plan to make Homer think.
Then in came Dr. H. D. Cortex, world-famous psychologist and hypnotist, who said he could hypnotize old Homer in an instant, and make him as smart as the average bear. Naturally, as you can imagine, that prospect made the rest of us real excited.
Homer was supposed to come at 3 p.m., but since he has never learned how to tell time, he was late. He got there at 4:30.
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! on the door came this hammering, and slam!, back went the door and in with the north wind, some rain, and several old Twinkle wrappers came this short, ugly, scraggly-haired, bandy-legged, bucktoothed, staggering dork wearing Donald Duck bib overalls and a Jimmy Johnson tee shirt, black hightop tennis shoes, and on his head this beanie with a red propeller going around at 350 RPM.
“I are here!” screams the apparition! “Lucky you guys! Shazam!”
Zedd strode over to the nerdly one and grabbed him by the ears, propelled him to a chair in front of Dr. Cortex, and clamped a hand over his mouth.
“Mmmpff pumph ghtshpmf!” Homer gargled.
“Go ahead, Doc,” Zedd said quietly.
Dr. Cortex, a distinguish older man with gray hair and a goatee, whipped his gleaming gold watch from his vest pocket. He began swinging it back and forth in front of old Homer.
“Homer,” quoth the doctor in a low, measured tone. “Watch the watch. Follow its path. See how it swings back and forth, back and forth.”
Zedd’s hand slipped off Homer’s mouth.
“Heyl” Homer screamed. “Zowiel I seen this in Sherlock Holmes onct! Dr. Watson done it to Moriarity or somebody! Sock ‘er to me, Doc!”
And no more than having said these words, Homer stiffened, his eyes glazed even more than usual, and his eyelids clumped closed as his head fell forward onto his scrawny chest.
A total silence fell over the hamshack of Honor Roll Ranch, just a hoot and a holler south of town.
“He iss in trance,” Dr. Cortex said softly. “Now, my friend Zedd, you vish him to unterstandt amateur radio theory, ja?”
“Ja,” Zedd said. “I mean affirmative.”
Dr. Cortex focused all his amazing mental powers on the sleeping idiot. “Homer. You haf zee ability to learn ziss ham radio theory. You will unterstandt all you haf ever read on ziss supcheckt. You vill also know und be able to sent und receive CW code at a high rate of speedt. Ven you awake, Homer, you vill think und perform like a ham radio genius!”
The profound silence lengthened as Homer soaked in the hypnotic suggestions. Dr. Cortex turned to the rest of us and said very softly, “Ziss induction vill only work once — one time only! But I sink I haf succeeded. — Let us find out.”
He turned back to Homer. “Homer. Wake up now.”
Homer’s eyes opened. He had a strange and totally unfamiliar look on his face, one like we had never seen there before.
He looked intelligent “How you feel, pard?” Zedd asked.
Homer said, “Most diagrams of resonant circuits show only inductance and capacitance. No resistance is indicated. Nevertheless, some resistance is always present. At frequencies up to perhaps thirty megahertz, this resistance is mostly in the wire of the coil.”
Zedd looked thunderstruck. Tondelayo, listening from the doorway, began to weep.
“The charge or quantity of electricity that can be placed on a capacitor is proportional to the applied voltage and to the capacitance of the capacitor,” Homer went on. “The capacitance depends on plate area, spacing, and quality of insulation between the plates.
“Let me turn now to a discussion of oscillators. Oscillation normally takes place at only one frequency, and a desired frequency of oscillation can be obtained by using a resonant circuit tuned to that frequency. For example –”
“It’s a dadblamed miracle!” Zedd breathed.
Dr. Cortex donned his scarlet-lined cape and headed for the door. “Iss least I can do for you, my friend Zedd!”
“This is wonderful,” Zedd choked. He watched Homer, who had grabbed a pencil and paper to draw some Hartleys and Colpitts. Zedd hugged Tondelayo.
Everyone was weeping with joy. The logjam inside Homer’s brain had been broken by hypnosis. He was able to function at last.
“It’s amazing!” said W5MCN, his voice at least 40 over 9 in the hushed room. “Why, Homer learned all that stuff just like that!”
And W5MCN snapped his fingers.
And Homer sort of twitched.
And the light went out of his eyes.
The trance had been broken.
“Oh, no,” Zedd moaned.
Homer turned dull eyes toward him. “Are we going to talk Home’s Law again today, good buddy? Sock it to me, I think I got ‘er now. The P and the eye is over the zee. It are like a spigot. Am I ten-four so far, over?”
— KU5B