Originally published in the February 1990 issue of the Collector and Emitter.
(Special to the C&E)
HOUSTON — Q. R. Zedd, world’s greatest DXer, arrived at the Johnson Spaceflight Center today in response to an urgent call from the president of the United States.
Zedd, A5A, a legend in his own mind, flew to Houston after repeated calls from the White House (on the twisted pair) urgently seeking his help.
Zedd was in the process of working everybody on all bands again when summoned. Of course he dropped everything and, without regard to his own convenience or the cries of stations on frequency who hadn’t worked him yet, hurried to Houston at once.
This was not surprising. Zedd’s morality and patriotism are recognized the world over. As everyone knows, he was born on a remote, snow-lashed slope in the Himalayas long ago during the DXpedition that killed his father, the renowned Zepp Zedd. The infant Zedd’s momma pressed him to her bosom soon after birth (as soon as she had caught up with her logbook on 20-meter CW). But the infant Zedd refused to nurse until his momma had said grace over it.
Later, in a new-baby ward in Los Angeles, the baby Zedd further hinted at future greatness when he crawled out of his bassinette and beat up on the kid in the next crib after said kid had barfed on his American flag blanket, And more recently, who but the patriotic Zedd courageously insisted again and again that Nixon was innocent, and Pete Rose too, and even if they did it, what’s the diff, everybody does it, it’s a free country and every man has a right to be corrupt if he wants to?
So when Zedd dropped everything and flew to Houston, it was only the latest proof of his great devotion to his country.
And what a sight it was when Zedd disembarked from his home-made jet in Houston! First Momma Zedd got out, wearing a darling pink shorts outfit; then the even more darling Tondelayo, Zedd’s nubile blond bride and QSL secretary, in her purple pants suit with a bare midriff; then Homer Klott, Zedd’s protege, wearing his Roy Rogers outfit and propellor beanie, and finally the great man himself, his 725 stuck to the front of his tee shirt with velcro tape, his VOX-operated mike fastened to his forehead with a red rubber suction cup, his Gene Autry belt buckle loaded up on 40 meters.
NASA officials greeted him, along with the vice president of the United States. The vice president noted Zedd’s handi-talkie on his belt and enthusiastically grabbed it right up.
“Gee! Zowie! Shazam!” the vice president said. “I always wanted to do CB!” He stuck the rubber duck in his ear and tried to talk through the handi’s battery pack.
Off to the side, Homer Klott brightened visibly. “Golleeel” he giggled. “He are like me! I bet I can get him to study the Morris code with me!”
The welcoming ceremonies were brief, Zedd was whisked inside the main building at the Johnson Center, and a lengthy confab was held with top government scientists.
When Zedd finally held a press conference a few hours later, the stuff he told us was astounding. Much of it was too technical for you guys out there to understand, but I will try to give you the gist of it.
For a long time, Zedd told us, current theory about the Earth’s magnetic field related to the planet’s rotation and the effect of that rotation on the planetary core. The result, he said, was that we figured an east-west or west-east rotating planet always developed a magnetic field with north and south poles, When Voyager reached Neptune a few months ago, a lot of the current theory went down the drain. What Voyager found was not the anticipated bipolar magnetic field, but a field that was quadrapolar or maybe even octopolar. Which couldn’t be explained by Neptune’s orbit or rotation, whacky as both of those are.
“What we have got here,” Zedd told the world press, “is what us smart guys call an anomaly. The United States wants to know what’s going on out there. As a patriotic American, I am answering the call and offering my help.”
Zedd went on, “This is also real significant in terms of how an electromagnetic field gets itself generated. This discovery out there at Neptune could revolutionize magnetic theory, and electronic theory too.”
Well, as you can imagine, at that point some ham radio operators in the room sat up straighter. It began to become apparent why Zedd had been summoned. Voyager’s close encounter with Neptune had just trashed a lot of antenna theory!
“I am going to go from here to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory out in Pasadena and study the date for my own self,” Zedd told us. “Probably with my brilliance I can figure out a new theory that will stand up to the data, and give every amateur radio operator an idea of how to improve his antennas so they don’t just throw bipolar lobes, but four or even eight of them so ho can work everybody forty over nine any time he keys his mike.
This is obviously real serious,” Zedd went on, puffing on his oom-Paul, which he stuffs with custom latakia pipe tobacco, specially roasted over select camel dung in waterproof tents in Saudi Arabia. “My country is bothered by this mystery, and so am I. I am determined to get to the bottom of this. Or maybe with a crazy planet like Neptune, to the side, how do I know?”
Clearly Zedd was highly motivated, not only by patriotism but by the laudable desire to add 25 db to his antennas back at Honor Roll ranch, just a hoot and a holler south of town. But it was not until he spoke his next words that we realized just how serious he really was.
“As I said,” he said, “I expect us to work this out at JPL. But if we can’t, more on-site inspection and readings of those Neptunian magnetic fields is required; nothing else will provide the answer. And this time we have got to send a manned mission, to make sure we collect all the data we need. Naturally such a manned flight will require just about the most intelligent and courageous sucker you ever heard about.
“So I have already started the ball rolling with NASA,” the great man went on, “to have us a backup contingency plan online in case of failure at JPL.
“As you all have seen, the Johnson Spaceflight Center has an old Saturn rocket configuration set up as a museum piece out here on the field. It’s been, there a long time. but it has most of its guts in it, and it can still be put in flying order.
“Starting tonight, NASA is going to be busy fixing up that monument Saturn out there and getting ready to ship it to Cape Canaveral. A spare Apollo command module and Lunar Excursion Module can be had from the Smithsonian, and with me helping they can be fixed up too.”
“Zedd!” screamed a woman from the London Times. “What are you telling us, old bean!”
Zedd’s handsome visage hardened, sort of like Nathan Hale’s probably did once.
“If we can’t solve this mystery here on Earth,” he told us, “they’s only one other way I can discharge my duty to my country to clear the matter up.”
Zedd turned to some of the pale NASA authorities on the dais behind him.
“Get that baby ready, boys,” he told them. “If we can’t solve ‘er here, I’m going to Neptune.”